I realized today that I’m pretty much an adult now, and for the first time in my life, I’m responsible for paying for my school, my rent, my internet, my food, and so on, which gave me a minor heart attack about where my money is going to come from because I’m not working anymore so I don’t have a steady income, but I’m working on that too.
Which brought on a whole new level of panic because I don’t know if I’m going to be able to handle classes and work, and everyone here seems so much more knowledgeable about things than I do. I did really well on the Russian written placement test (tested into the advanced level!), but everyone here basically talks fluently — and we all know that I can’t speak, I can only write and read. Or I could speak if I wasn’t so neurotic about having to be perfectly and grammatically correct in everything I say. I’ve sort of based my life on the Mark Twain philosophy of “It is better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.”
I overthink everything I say and write and I usually regret having put my thoughts out there about five seconds after I do it, no matter what language I’m speaking, and one of my biggest wishes in life is for a reset button.
My mom has always tried to calm me down by saying, “Do you spend that much time thinking about things other people say after they say it?”… I think that’s the problem, because I do. I think a lot about what other people say. (If you’ve ever seen me sitting somewhere, listening, and randomly smile, it’s because I’m laughing at something someone said… I’m not a nice person.) My mom also tried to say that people don’t judge other people at the gym, but I do. (Not everyone, only the girls in makeup, jewelry, and tight spandex who go on the elliptical for five minutes and then spend forty minutes prancing around and posing in strategic locations… really. They do.)
… I need to take a deep breath. And go for a run in the morning. I should take a picture of my new running path – I live about four blocks from the beach and it’s beautiful. Ok. Everything will be fine.